He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
