Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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