How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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