she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
