you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
