It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
