omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
