she peed on how many people?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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