someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
