That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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