I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
