matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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