apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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