Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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