I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
