Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize