Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize