Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
