i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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