and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
