shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
