I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
