she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
