wake up i wanna do it froggy style
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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