I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
