***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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