So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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