Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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