Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
