do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
