My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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