Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
