Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
