textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
