Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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