I heard we made out
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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