Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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