he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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