So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
