i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
