I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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