If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
