I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize