The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
