I think i sorta joined a cult last night
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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