Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
