Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
