my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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