It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
