dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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