The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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