Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
