I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
