At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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