remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Two words: blizzard sex
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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