my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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