living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
