Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Never joke about your clitoris.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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