i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
