am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
