Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
