From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You are the jesus of drinking
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
