its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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