where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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