No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
