I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
