he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
