I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
