I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
