apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
