seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
