I showed him my bush... on skype.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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