I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
