Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Randomize
